Thursday, April 12, 2012

invisible.


i just needed some time to be alone. 

dad was drunk again, worse than he usually was. he swore at me a couple times, called me worthless, useless, waste of space, but nothing i hadn't heard before. he never hit me, not like michael. my brother took after my dad - fiery temper, never knew when to shut up, and i think that's what makes dad so angry at him all the time. he'd only hit him once or twice, not too hard but hard enough that he'd get the message. 

never hard enough to leave a mark where it couldn't be covered.

it's not like mom would ever do anything either. my dad scared her so bad that she hardly ever said a word anymore, hardly ever bothers to get out of bed except when everyone's asleep. sometimes i see her in the kitchen, her frail, sallow frame enveloped in her ratty blue bathrobe, hunched over a cup of untouched soup.

and so thus goes our family. the invisible scars of a ghost mother and two punching bag children. we are irreparably broken, but no one can know.

normally i'm not one to overreact, but tonight... not tonight. it was too much. i. couldn't. stay. in. that. house. any. longer, if it could even be called a house. no one even bothered to come after me when i threw open the door and ran.

and ran.

and ran.

in no particular direction. just away. i ran until my lungs were on fire and my legs collapsed underneath me.

and laying there, on some rambling road going who-knows-where, i wasn't thinking about what time it was, or where i was, what i was going to do, where i should go. no. all i could think about was 'maybe, if i lay here, perfectly still, maybe then i could just disappear.'

i don't know how long i laid there, waiting for tears, but finding only numbness. i hoped that someone to drive by and stop, someone, anyone that could make the suffocating loneliness go away.

somehow my wandering feet carried me back to my house by sunrise.

and you know what the worst part was?

no one even noticed that i was gone.

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